Emotions with Hydrocephalus + Writing Updates

It turns out that when you receive many operations in your head, they can impact your mental\emotional state.

This has been made crystal clear to me, and it makes a lot of sense of you think about it. Your brain is bound to short circuit from time to time if it's been poked and prodded. This means outbursts, crying, depression, inappropriate laughter, all that fun stuff... (among others). I still haven't found a way to deal with it, except letting it out. 

As for my book, I am happy to report 155 pages and 41, 381 words.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

Jobs? Nope

One thing that I am so tired of us people asking me why I don't have a job. NEWSFLASH: I feel horrible on a daily basis, and when I do try to find work, I don't meet the standards for the position. I studied culinary arts because I loved it, but find my work in that field is a pain in the butt when you don't move fast enough, or when you can't exactly make snap decisions. That's one of the reasons I started to write. Besides the fact that I have stories to tell.

I need to finish writing my book, because I feel like that is what I'm supposed to do with my life. I want to inspire, and teach others about Hydrocephalus through my stories.

Fog In The Moment. Live.

So, I've previously discussed BRAINFOG in another post, but I felt like talking about it while I'm actually going through it. It came on suddenly this time, like getting slapped in the face with a leaf while walking, and hasn't left me yet.

I feel like my head is not connected to my neck, I can barely focus my thoughts, and I just can't bring myself to get out of bed. It's bad... My eyes get heavy, but I'm not necessarily tired. I guess that means my mind just wants to shut down (sleep). But sleep doesn't always help, because sometimes I'll wake up with the fog worse than it was before the nap. It's frustrating...

And the "best" part of it is that it comes with a friend. Headaches. Who stay with you after the fog clears... 

Update: The fog started clearing after 4 hours. Sometimes it takes longer.

Writing Updates? Okay, Let's Go With That.

So, my book currently has 151 pages, 40.023 words, and 3 songs on my writing playlist! (All by Muse, because they spoke to me. lol)

1- "Something Human" which fits Wyatt 

2- "Hysteria" which fits Alex  

3- "Unintended" which fits Emily

No Spoilers. I promise.

Updates. (Because I Can't Come Up with A Better Title)

We are mid September, so you know that I'm antsy. Hurricane Maria flashbacks are the best... (cue sarcastic voice), and I need October to roll around soon. Summer was painful, and really kicked my butt. Headaches, lightheaded (head floating) feeling, just a mess. 

Onto writing stats...

I'm happy to report 150 pages. 39,706 words so far. The story has evolved in details, which surprised me and my beta readers. That's what happens when your characters talk to you. lol

Just All The Things (Rant post)

Summer is killing me... Am I surprised? Nope. Annoyed? Very much so. 

Pain has been my constant companion this summer, and what most people don't understand is that pain drains you. You may not externalize it by crying, but it is written on your face, whether you think it is or not. My tattletale sign is my eyes, because I can feel the pained look in them. And can't really hide it. Darn it. 

My summer headaches sting! I don't know if it's because of how long they last, but I've felt the sting a lot this month. 

Also, let me get this off my chest... THOSE OF US WITH CHRONIC PAIN ARE NOT LAZY. WE ARE DEALING WITH A LOT OF PAIN. Thank you. 

My Mental Blanks Have a Name!

Ever since I can remember, I've had to deal with Mind Blanks, wherein my brain will suddenly erase what I'm thinking or trying to process at the moment, leaving behind a sense of loss, and an inability to focus. 

Growing up, I always thought they were "normal" for me after all the surgeries I've had. A friend of mine cleared this up for me though, and helped me put a name to what happens to me. Absence Seizures. 

Yes, seizures! 

While they're happening I'll feel THE FOG, which completely takes over my brain and doesn't let me think clearly, which leads to slower movements, slow reaction times, etc. I will also stare into space from time to time. 

In my case, they can be mild, as in "Oops, I forgot something" (these last only seconds) or the whammy (which can leave me feeling out of place for the whole day), where I'll feel like a veil has been placed on my mind, blocking out all thought, and make it impossible to focus.  

Why I Love Booktube...

First off, what is Booktube?

It is a section of Youtube that caters to readers and writers alike, because some actually crossover. It is good for firsthand book recommendations, and meeting people with opinions that are the same or differ from yours when it comes to the books you're reading, thereby sparking discussions. 

It is fun and stress-reducing, unless you're anxious about adding more books to your reading pile. (Never!) 

I love it because the bulk of my library has been filled because of it, and where one book sparked my love for reading, booktube has given me more material to add to it. 

My favorite channels are: 
-polandbananasbooks  
-emmabooks
-tashapolis
-a clockwork reader
-haileinbookland
-abookutopia
-little book owl
(just to name a few) 

Feeling "Loopy" aka Lightheaded/ Writing Update

Have you ever felt as if you were floating? Or maybe like you were trying to walk in a huge tank of gelatin? That is more or less how I feel some days. I also feel like someone pressed a fast-forward button and everything around me is rushing by. I can't concentrate while this is happening. Sometimes it goes away fairly quickly, while other times, it will last for hours and drive me nuts...

I've spoken to other people with Hydrocephalus, and they have said that it may be seizure activity, which blew my mind because I had never considered that. 

It's pretty unpredictable. I never know when it will hit, and it ranges from mild to severe. The worse times make me lose the ability to concentrate for hours. (needless to say that writing is impossible when those get to me)

By the way, my story is currently at 142 pages, with a 37,434 word count which I am very happy with. 

The Bane of My Existence...

Okay, so the title is dramatic, but I feel so blech...

Headaches, check

Lethargy, check

Summertime kills me.... This heat messes me up so much, and I hate it.

I'm still trying to write though, but it's been a slow process, because I will pass out during the day. The good news? I found is that I found a writing sprint on  Instagram. The bad? What I wrote down makes no sense, so I have to start over once I get home. Oh, well...

The Blessing by Lizzie Lee Book Blurb + Links

The Blessing is live on amazon!!!!
US: https://tinyurl.com/The-Blessing-US
UK:https://tinyurl.com/The-Blessing-UK
BLURB:
After years of drifting, Trevor Warren's world comes crashing down with the news of his brother's death. Returning to his hometown in Evergreen, Colorado for his brother and sister-in-law's funerals, Trevor realizes he has but a moment to grieve before his nephew, Greyson, is thrust into his life. Becoming the legal guardian to Greyson will either be a blessing or a curse. His late brother, Dean, was the golden child--the perfect son, husband, and father--while Trevor was his polar opposite. Despite his rough past, Trevor pulls his life together to become the father Greyson deserves. Although he tries to be a better man, he never feels like he's good enough... especially for his neighbor, Veronica Clark.

Veronica "Ronnie" Clark is the picture of maturity and success. Despite having her life together, she's always felt as if something were missing. From the moment she saw Trevor, she knew he was trouble wrapped in a sinfully attractive package. While she would usually shy away from men like Trevor--something about his rugged appearance captivated her. His handsome face, gorgeous ink, and wounded aura may have caught her attention, but it's his giving heart that kept her yearning for more.

https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Ftinyurl.com%2FThe-Blessing-US&h=ATNXOIefXEUZcLCJx0FwXjv9X6uiWAnkNm1OtFgNwHoVAq32NPRQlcHeFwcTHn46AGhVIEcIvemVuCY7c-FsbxZ7rSb61AXK3_9V0gN8j5UVijof&s=1

***A story for lovers of contemporary tear jerkers***

Summer is Around the Corner...

And my head is sounding the alarm. 

These past few days have been filled with increasing pain, that had slowly been sucking at my energy, and making me zone out. If you've seen the GIF of the kitten that falls asleep veeery slowly, you have an idea of how it happens. The only positive is that I found my gel mask and I'll be able to wear it if the heat gets too intense. 

I've been trying to write, and have gotten some done, but not as much as I would want to. And that is frustrating. I'm still at 137 pages.

Writing on Paper vs Writing on a Doc

I have two versions of my story, one on Word in my computer, and another hand written on paper. The one on paper holds all of the "word vom", where I will have all of my non-nonsensical phrases, and inconsistencies, and the Word doc is the more edited and polished version. Due to my mindblanks, I spend a lot of time editing. 

Sometimes I'll get lucky and an idea will progress. If not, I have to sit myself down and just do it. (insert Shia Lebouf meme here) The paper is also handy during the week, when I'm away from my computer, and it suffers a lot of erasing. Sometimes it will even break on me. lol. 

But it's amazing to see the amount of physical pages I've written instead of numbers on a screen. Way more satisfying and amazing to me. All that messes that up is knowing that the paper version holds a lot of mistakes. 

Another Day, and Hydrocephalus Runs Amok

Summer approaches, heat is increasing, and my Hydro seems to be acting up... 
I have 0 to no energy, and am in constant pain, as well as having the mental blanks... This thing doesn't attack lightly. And I still get comments like, "You have to stop being lazy." 

When I was little, I never wanted anyone to go through this, but as I grow older, I kind of wish they did, just so that they could see the issues this causes. Strictly for educational purposes, of course. Does that make me a bad person?

Issues with Pain, Reading, and Writing Updates

So recently I've been dealing with an increase in pain because the cold temp is slowly making way for hotter temperature. Which means that I will avoid going outside as much as I can, and need to find ways to keep cool. These temps also mean that the liquid in my brain (CSF) leave my body quicker, so I have to hydrate more than normal, which I'm not too happy with. I'm also a lot more sluggish during these months because the heat drains my energy, leaving me lethargic. 

Reading and writing help me keep my mind off these things. I just finished a book this week, Obsidian by Jennifer Armentrout, which is a re-read, and now I need to read the second book. 

As for my writing... I now have 130+ pages on Word, which I'm very happy about! I can't wait to see where the story goes from this point. I will definitely try to make an outline for my next story though. Lol

Sensitivity to Temperature

Since I'm currently dealing with one, I thought I'd talk about how headaches can result from different degrees of Temperature. Living in a hot climate has led me to get many headaches, and while I do, and consume things to help me deal with this, sometimes those things work against me. 

I will go to Walgreens and get a slushy to beat the heat, but recently, if I consume them too quickly (which happens when you feel like you're melting), I will get THE WORST brainfreeze.... And since my shunt leads to my heart, (That one is called a VA, which is short for Ventriculo-atrial), I can feel the cold slide down my catheter, and reach my chest area. Add brainfreeze to the mix, and it is a whopper.

Why do I do this to myself??

Well, it's one of the few ways I can actually lower my body temperature, and that helps with the headaches.

Shunt Malfunctions...

Since I'm on guard at the moment, I think it's a good time to talk about what it's like when a shunt stops working. In my case, I'll start getting headaches, but these differ from my every day headaches, because they're persistent. Then come the wandering eyes. I'll feel one or both eyes not focusing at first, and then someone will look at me, and tell me that my eyes look crooked.         That's usually followed by other malfunctioning symptoms, nausea, vomiting, loss of balance, etc.
 

In The Fog

For two weeks now (I think), I've been dealing with the oh, so loved mind fog... My mind feels so cloudy, I can't focus at all, and I'll find myself staring off into space for kicks. Not fun when you're trying to focus on the smallest tasks, and simply can't. Trying to write is so tough too, when you feel like your head is floating in water. 

I'll wake up in the morning, and feel the fog immediately. Lightheadedness is the first thing I feel, like my head is weightless, and then my eyes feel unfocused. A mess...

I spoke with a friend that also has Hydrocephalus, and he told me the fog might be the cause of seizures, which is kind of weird and scary to think about. I'm guessing the seizures are the result of so many operations.

Hopefully this fog will go away soon.

Blackouts... and Trauma?

So... it's been a couple of months after Hurricane Maria hit the island. Though there have been some advances in recovery, they haven't been that noticeable. The most obvious of these examples being the fragile power grid.

Now, I'm not saying this to sound spoiled, but every time there's a flux in power, I revert to the days of the  storm, and become a bit anxious. I think I may have been traumatized by the storm and its aftermath, and didn't even realize it until much later.

Writing Update

My story now has 130 pages so far, and I can't be more excited. Though I have an ending in mind, I have no idea how long it will take me to get to it, or how it will happen. All I know is that the thought is there, and sticking. Now I just have to create the bridge to get to it. 

I've managed to make my betas (I have 2), hate my villain so much. lol 

Eep! I'm excited! 

Mindblanks

I'm sure you've seen me mention Mindblanks in previous posts (because they happen so regularly), but I'm not sure if I've ever explained them or their effects.

To me, they feel like your mind is a blackboard, memories written on it, and someone takes an eraser and just wipes them away. Another part of that, is the "veil" which I think of as the mess after erasing a blackboard with a dusty eraser. This is due to so many surgeries. Long lasting brain trauma, if you will.

This gets very annoying when you're in the middle of doing something (writing, looking for something, etc.) and forget what you're doing. 
Now that I think about it, I feel like a mish mash of Ten-Second-Tom and Lucy from 50 First Dates.

It's so annoying... I have to carry a notebook, or take constant notes on my phone, so that I keep track or things. Anyone else ever feel like this?